Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the hull
Not a creature was stirring, not even the gulls
The nooses were hung from the gallows with care
In hopes that Swashbuckle soon would be there
The crew were nestled all snug in their bunks
While visions of spiced rum got them all drunk
And Nobeard with his parrot, the Bootsmann, and I
Had just toasted our stolen mugs to the sky
When out on the deck there arose such a splatter
We sprang from our quarters to find Santa's brain matter!
The fool had fallen from the top of our sails
Twas then we remembered, that crime never fails!
The moon on the crests of the evening tides
Gave our cursed hearts no fair reason to cry
When, what to our plundering eyes should appear
But a gaggle of strippers, and eight kegs of beer!
With a midget bartender, so short and forlorn
I knew in a moment TWAS DANI FROM ALESTORM!
After thoroughly heckling that small Scottish chap
We took broads in our hands and made haste to the taps!
"Now Miller! Now Budweiser! Now, Guiness and Heineken!
On, Coors! On Corona! Sam Adams and Yuenglin'!
To the back of our throats! To our guts with the booze!
Now pound away! Pound away! Pound away brews!"
As the numbed ladies pranced, off came their clothes
When naked they danced, our packages rose
So back to our cabins we corsairs flew
With these sexy female joys, our loads we blew
And then, with an inkling, we thought to ourselves
What the fuck are we waiting for? LET'S SLAUGHTER SOME ELVES
As I drew my sword, the others their flints
Tiny footsteps were heard, as they started to sprint
They were dressed all in green, from their heads to their feet
And like chefs in the galley, we turned up the heat
A bundle of matches lit them on fire
And as flames rose to their chests, we had to inquire:
"How do you fucks make infinite treasure?!", we demanded
"And how can one soul distribute them single-handed?!"
Their screams fell silent, they started to speak
And the yuletide secrets of Christmas were leaked
"So now you know!", the head elf yelled to us three
"Now spare us our lives, as we had agreed!"
But we burned them alive in our small pots and pans
For we shifty pirates had far better plans...
They were cooked and served to our crew of the damned
Seasoned ever so right, the meal kinda slammed
Elf stew would be prepared every year on that day
The wee men ruing what they came to betray
We spoke not a word, but went straight to our task
Ruining this holiday with empty hearts and full flasks
We ravished Mrs. Claus in all of her holes
As she shamelessly slavered down our North Poles
We sprang back to our ship, tossed her some coin
She had danced hard for those bucks, even savored our loins
As we sailed into the eve, we exclaimed with our might:
"HAPPY CHRISTMAS TO NONE. FUCK YOU. GOOD NIGHT."
~Commodore RedRum
XII XXIV MMX Anno Domini
